An explanation…

Throughout my life I have had friendship issues.  I was never the cool kid.  I was never the girl that people wanted to hang out with.  But I was me.  I was the kid crying under the playground in elementary school because the girls I wanted to play with told me I couldn’t.  I was the girl riding the bus to and from school with my walkman- listening to show tunes and doing my homework to pass the time because no one wanted to sit and talk to me.  In dance class I was silent- on stage I looked at the ground- afraid of seeing the audience, even more afraid of disappointing my parents. In high school I skipped lunch and went to help in a 3rd grade classroom because otherwise I would sit all alone in the cafeteria.  This was my life.  In college I spent my weekends home- working weeks ahead on homework because I was never invited to the latest parties.  I sat with my parents during football games because I had no one to enjoy the student section with.  I never understood what it was like to get a phone call to hang out with friends at the mall.  I never had to ask my parents to drive me to the movie theatre.  I was involuntarily a loner.

People scare me.  People have scared me since I was a little girl- hiding behind my mom whenever meeting someone new.  Not saying a word.  I think people started to scare me even more once I started experiencing how cruel human beings can be to each other at an early age.  2nd grade it started for me.  After years of attending birthday parties with these girls because our parents always created the guest lists- they decided that they were old enough to declare that I was not worthy of their company.  I think my issues today all stemmed from my years of mockery from my peers and the lunchtime tears.

I am twenty three and a half years old.  I am still afraid of meeting new people.  I have never had a boyfriend.  I have never been kissed (save for stage kisses).  I am twenty three and a half years old and I live in New York City.  I spend my nights at home alone.  My roommates work and have friends with whom they spend their time.  I watch movies.  I read.  Sometimes I cry because I am so lonely.  When meeting new people I am struck with anxiety that they don’t like me.  That I’m not smart enough.  This fear often hits with people I already know.

I have people in my life.  I wouldn’t immediately call them friends.  Sixteen years separate me from the teary eyed child on the playground, but I feel little has changed.  No one calls me to get lunch, to see a movie, to just hang out.  When I am crying at home, in a sour mood, or otherwise discontent- no one comes to help me or cheer me up.  I can look in a mirror and still see the 7 year old girl- unibrow, puffy pigtails, and gap-py teeth.   I am always there for people.  In college- I had a friend who went through a very difficult breakup with her boyfriend of seven years.  She was stuck in the theatre building all day with rehearsal, so I baked her cupcakes and brought them to the theatre to cheer her up.  I haven’t spoken Lina since she graduated a year before me.   During my first year in New York City- I had a roommate who was not happy in the city.  She text messaged me one day about how horrible her work experience had been- I baked cookies and they were waiting for her when she got home.   While I was out working on a show in Colorado- she moved to California.  I haven’t had a conversation with Caitlin since before my Colorado contract began.

I’m embarrassed that I have to use social media as my voice- my cries come through tumblr, my shrieks through twitter, my shrugs of “everything is okay, but not really” on facebook.  Despite the  49 people following me on tumblr, the 190 tweeters keeping up with my daily posts, and the 665 facebook friends, I have never felt so alone.  Two people have reached out to me.  Neither of whom I have ever been particularly close with at any point in my life.  I express my pain through these outlets because I have no one to whom I can relate my issues in person. 

I’m tired of smiling and pretending everything is okay.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m fine with being alone all the time.  That it doesn’t bother me when everyone hangs out with their friends while I’m sitting at home watching a movie by myself.  That getting ignored via text message is okay.  I was actually forgotten this year for the first time.  It wasn’t intentional, but it didn’t hurt any less.  Especially since I had suggested the outing to begin with.  At twenty three years old- I need true friends, I need to socialize, I need to laugh and have fun with other people my age. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I watch Gilmore Girls.  All the time.  I find comfort in the show.  It helps me believe that people ARE good and capable of being there for each other.  You don’t always have to go out and party and get drunk to have a good time.  Sometimes you can just eat junk food and watch a bad movie.  These girls have become my friends- as sad as that may be.  When no one else is there for me- Lorelai and Rory are.  I turn on my DVDs and just enjoy their company.  Sometimes they fight and they go through shit that totally sucks, but no matter what- they are there. 

I have given up on having people come to my aid.  I can no longer use facebook or twitter as my outlets- you never know where future employers may look.  My heart needed to get everything out into the world- even if no one reads this.  Even if no one cares.  It is out in the world and it will help.  I may never know real friendship again.  I may never experience love.  I may grow up to live alone.  At least I will always know that those people who are only half involved in my life are missing out on someone who understands what it means to be 100% invested in a friendship.  And I will always have those 2nd grade bullies to thank for the social anxiety.  Congratulations- whatever you were aiming for all those years ago….you succeeded…I still cannot play with the cool kids.